Schrodinger: So, I’m delighted to inform you all that hoomama left me out of The Cage when she went away forever and ever and ever….

Hoomun: SIGH Cat, it was one night!

Schrodinger: AS I WAS SAYING….and so I rewarded her by using the litter tray. Despite my cat sitter being prewarned to check every corner with a torch, I just sat there smiling at her, while sharpening my claws on the furniture.

Amazingly enough though, hoomama has left me out of The Cage ever since and it’s been three whole days now. Who knew?!

Anyway, Bro and I decided it had been MUCH too calm in the house lately so we decided to liven things up a little.

Picture the scene, it is 3am and hoomama is peacefully snoring when she is startled into wakefulness, heart racing at a sudden loud THUMP. Then she hears the sound of me whispering quietly to my Bro…

Hoomun: Cat, it was NOT quiet, not with that language!

Schrodinger: I was whispering quietly to my bro and reminding him that it’s good to share. Would you believe he growled at me?! I mean where he learned this language, I have no idea. My bro takes over the tail…. (See what I did there? Huh? Huh?)

Angus: It’s MY stash. If you want a stash, GO FIND ONE OF YOUR OWN!

Schrodinger: Whining…but BRO! I WANT some!

Angus: NO. MINE. GO ‘WAY.

Schrodinger: I’ll wrestle you for it…..

Angus: PAH! You go ahead and try!

Stage Directions: There is suddenly the sound of multiple thumps as furry bodies intertwine at speed, growls, hisses and yowls. Hoomun put the pillow over her face and groans. The battling cats ignore her. Finally….

Hoomun: CATS! Give over!!!

Stage Directions: The cats ignore her and continue wrestling, loudly, immediately outside her bedroom door. Finally, she hears the sound of small teeth tearing into plastic and knows she has to intervene….

Hoomun staggers onto the landing where she finds two cats at significant distance from one another, innocently washing their paws.

However, on the floor, conveniently placed between them, is an open bag of drugs. Yup, a small plastic baggie of green “herbals”.

The cats whistle innocently.

Grumpily, the hoomun picks up the now empty plastic bag, checks to make sure what TYPE of drugs these are, then sighs loudly and marches back to bed.

The cats stop washing their paws and start rolling in their stash.

Some time later, both attempt to claw their way onto the bed, with only a *slight* wobble in their tails as they stagger over to lie on their hoomun, one on her chest and the other (comfortably) on her neck. They are both more than a bit cross eyed….

Schrodinger: Wwwwwooooowwwww hoomum…..that was gooooooodddd ‘nip.

Angus: (Muttering as he falls asleep) Real good ‘nip……snore…..

Silence reigns as the lights fade to blackness.

Schrodinger: (Twirling his feather quill pen as he thinks…)

Today, I write to those who sit with me in solidarity (aka my fans) from the depths of a British winter…

Hoomum: Sigh….Cat, there’s a few flakes out there, it’s hardly arctic.

Schrodinger: Would you quit interrupting me hoomum? I’m trying to write here! AS I was saying, I write to you from the depths of a British winter to update you on my captive status.

Last night, hoomum shoved me harshly into The Cage,

Hoomum: I did NOT!

Schrodinger: …over my objections. Just because I’d been sniffing behind furniture again is wholly irrelevant. I was just interested. Of course, I then sang The Song of the People for a good hour while my brother reliably informs me that hoomum held a pillow over her head. Apparently she very most definitely was not tickling his tummy, because he would have told me if she was.

Of course, I crossed my paws and determinedly held it in all night, because as I have said before, I am NOT using that tray. Finally, by 4am, I could no longer hold it and so began to sing The Song of the People as loudly as I could. Finally, mostly because he was being woken up by the sounds of my abject peril, my loyal and faithful brother got into the act. First he stood on hoomum’s head, then he started head butting her and finally, in a crowning effort, he knocked her glass of water off the side table and onto the floor. Thatta boy! Well done bro!

With a loud exclamation of annoyance, hoomum got up to clear up the water and so I redoubled my efforts from downstairs, moving into my operatic range for maximum effect. Thankfully, she stumbled downstairs, removed me from captivity and…..shoved me outside….into the snow.

I was NOT impressed. How very dare she?????

Needless to say, I rolled around in the snow for maximum wetness clinging to my floof and then I climbed right back in through the upstairs window and realising she had made a vain effort to return to her bed, I sat on her chest, lovingly rubbing my back against her face.

I can’t think why she wasn’t delighted with my efforts????