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Stinky Barkie
Schrodinger languidly stretches out a paw and begins to compose his latest epic poem:
A Further Ode To Curtains
Oh Curtains! How I do love thee…thou art my constant comfort in these current times of trial and the pain of this ongoing existence…
In the midst of such feverish composition, the weary cat takes a break to reflect on recent events and begins his tail, writing with his sharpest quill…
…In the endless noon of my torturous existence, Hoomama did an evil thing. She brought a Stinkie Barkie into MY house. (Here, Schrodinger lashes his tail in sheer frustration at the folly of Hoomuns before continuing…)
Worse still, she did not even think to consult with Management first – had she pursued this entirely sensible, wise approach, my brother and I could have guided her away from the precipice of such a catastrophic mistake – but no! She simply chose to consult with Other Hoomuns and when THEY approved, Hoomama acted. Of course, I did my best to hide my emotions when this decision became apparent – but she might have noticed…
Such extraordinary folly shall of course be punished and I shall seek my comfort wherever it can be found in the midst of this wholly neglectful and abusive existence in which Hoomama does not even TRY to meet my every reasonable need and desire. The maltreatment to which I am subjected simply cannot be borne! Nor should any reasonable cat expect to even try…
(Here Schrodinger pauses for a meditative bat at one of his tinkleballs, a chew on his favourite feather wand and to change position from one box in his Deluxe Multi-storey Cat Tree to another…He composes himself, wondering whether or not it is yet time for Dreamies, and continues…)
Ah yes! The dreadful trials of the neglectful life to which I am subjected!
Well, at first Stinkie Barkie was confined to the kitchen, behind wooden gates. These allowed my brother and I to stare balefully at him from the upstairs landing as he looked around in confusion at his new world…and pee’d everywhere. (I mean it was EVERYWHERE! Shocking behaviour! I couldn’t BELIEVE it!)
Eventually, after at least five furrevers, we came down to the middle of the stairs where we could lock eyes with the little piece of evil golden fur…and would you believe, it DARED to shout at us?! Well. This is not acceptable so we shouted right back. We employed our best Alleycat Language, kindly shared with us by our Late and Dearly Beloved Brother Basil. He spent his first two years on the streets so trust us when he say he knew aaaaalllllll the best words…and he shared them with us.
These conversations between Stinkie Barkie and ourselves continued until we noticed something quite concerning: Stinkie Barkie was getting bigger. He had started out slightly smaller than we are, but he was already the size of three of us! This was deeply worrying so we came closer and this time employed the next level of Cat Management and applied Claw Sandwiches to Little Black Noses. That earned us a bellow from both Hoomama and Stinkie Barkie (how very dare she! We were only defending our territory! And he is such a whiner.)
Still, however hard we tried to make it happen, Stinkie Barkie flatly refused to leave our house. To make matters worse, Hoomama started opening the gates sometimes and allowing the little brat into the lounge with her. What a shocking case of bad judgement on her part!
Then things only got worse as she introduced Stinkie Barkie to Little Hoomun and Oh.My.Word. The noise was not to be borne! Stinkie Barkie and Little Hoo charged around the house, barking at one another, jumping on our sleeping places and off again and throwing toys about. There was FAR too much giggling to ever be acceptable in a sober and sensibly managed cat’s home. These actions were interfering with our rest! We were becoming positive insomniacs!
So, having exhausted all other options, and seeing no real alternative, I began to scope the joint to find the very best, most effective of all curtains with which to comfort myself.
Finally, last night, having examined all remaining and available options (spoilsport Hoomama has removed a fair few of my favourites for unknown reasons…) I found the best one. It was located in Hoomama’s bedroom, immediately next to the sleeping place we allow her to share with us. Better still, when untucked, the curtain drifts down onto the top of the large radiator which warms our room so assists in the distribution of our favourite scent.
I waited until the middle of The Great Darkness when Stinkie Barkie snored and twitched in his crate downstairs, and Hoomama was curled up in a comfortable looking ball in the middle of our sleeping place. Then I climbed up onto the top of our armchair, right at the hottest point of the radiator….aimed….and found my relief.
Then, mischief managed, I departed the scene to curl up on top of one of my scratching post beds and waited. Of course it didn’t take long, Hoomama woke with a start and sat straight up in bed sniffing the air. To my great amusement – here was an unforeseen benefit – her sleep addled brain convinced her she was smelling burning. This got better and better!
I watched with one barely opened eye and my whiskers twitched in amusement as she charged around, unplugging every one of her light boxes, fur styling tools, and clicked off every socket she could find as she desperately searched for the problem. Of course all of this noise woke up Stinkie Barkie so he started to yell and demand to go outside, so Hoomama had to charge down into the cold night air to supervise his toilet (as an aside, WHY does he need supervision to relieve himself? Such odd requirements.)
Finally, half an hour later, having established there was no actual fire, and with tiredness overwhelming her, Hoomama convinced herself the pleasing aroma was a figment of her imagination and she returned to our sleeping place to doze. This lasted from approximately 2am until 5am when Stinkie Barkie started rustling about again and demanding further toilet based supervision so Hoomama charged downstairs and outside with him again. I rolled over and covered my nose with my gloriously fluffy tail.
I watched through my fur as Hoomama tiredly climbed the stairs again and tumbled into our sleeping place where she managed another forty minutes or so before the smell convinced her she had missed something. This time, she was on her knees in the middle of our sleeping place, all lights blazing as she sniffed every individual pillow, abandoned shoe on the floor, piece of paper and abandoned paper bag. By this time, she had clearly realised the aroma was not fire, but in fact a product of my love for her. This meant she was muttering some VERY naughty words under her breath about the inconstancy of cats.
Eventually, she had stripped all her bed linen, had mopped the floor, including under our Super Kingsized Sleeping Place. She had sprayed all the upholstered side, headboard and footboard with anti-enzyme spray and had been on her hands and knees in every corner of the room….searching. Of course, I batted my tinkleball while I watched with great delight, pleased at the success of my venture.
Finally, clearly annoyed at the disruption, my unreliable, unfaithful brother marched over to the offending curtain and pointedly sniffed right in the middle of the spot of my anointing. Hoomama pounced, and would you believe it, she stroked my brother and thanked him for telling her where it was?! He is SUCH a grass. We shall have words later on.
But finally, all soft upholstery removed from the room, all curtains removed, all bed linen and abandoned clothes thrown down the stairs in preparation for laundry, floor and corners thoroughly mopped and remaining furniture sprayed…Hoomama shot me a filthy look and said, “Bloody Cat!”
Well! I ask you! Such unjust treatment and verbal abuse is clearly my lot in life! But that’s what she gets for adopting Stinkie Barkie, of whom I do not now, and never will, approve.
So there.
It was now 6:47am.
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On Being Unfaithful
Today I realised I need to keep a closer eye on my Hoomama, and possibly restrict her freedom a little more than I have been. This is because, last night, I discovered something quite shocking: she was nearly unfaithful to me! I could not believe she would do such a thing.
Yesterday, I let her out of my house so she could get some exercise. She told me she was going to the hoomun vet’s (why she would want to do this, I do not know) and that she would be gone for a while as it was a long drive from my house. Of course I was concerned, but I allowed her to do this and decided to catch up on my rest while she was out.
As I expected, she was gone for fourteen furrevers and when she came back, I swear she had a guilty look on her face. When she was not looking, I visited her light box to check what she had been up to (because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that Hoomama ALWAYS uses her light box to show me where she has been).
To my shock and horror, I discovered an image of a den of iniquity. A place where hoomun’s can be unfaithful to the loyal and long suffering cats who guide them through the storms and trials of life. A place of sin.
This is the image I found:
Of course I do not know if she actually succumbed to temptation but, being the weak and frail minded human that she is, I must assume hoomama was unfaithful to my brother and I. Maybe she even had cuddles with other cats.
Such a thing is appalling to consider but I must face up to the possibility. Clearly, I must keep a much closer eye on her than I have been, so today, this nonsense of “doing her work” clearly cannot proceed and she must instead spend her day worshipping me as she repents of her sins. I will make gentle biscuits while we renew our lifelong commitment to one another and think carefully on when I allow her out of my house in future. I wonder if a collar and bell would help? I will consider this.
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The Bath
Well, I am SPITTING feathers, hissing in rage, you’ll never BELIEVE what The Human (she no longer qualifies to be referred to as Hoomama after this!) has done this time! It is UTTERLY beyond the pale! This morning, she tried to DROWN me!
Schrodinger takes a moment to compose himself, and gives his still damp tail a few more licks, before continuing.I was there minding my own business, when I heard the patio door open. I thought Hoomama (as I then referred to her) was inviting me to have a moment outside to enjoy the fresh morning air and chatter at the birds. So, of course, I wandered over to the door where I sat down to sniff the doorstep. Well, of course I wasn’t going to rush outside, I mean – I AM a cat. Doorsteps must be thoroughly sniffed and examined before a decision to either enter or exit is made, and today was no exception.
She tried to hurry me along with words, but of course, I ignored her. She muttered something about it being cold out there, but that doesn’t bother me as I have a long fluffy coat so what other consideration could there be? She was the one standing there with the door open. Eventually, as I continued to deliberate, she made The Mistake. Bending down, she put her hand on my fluffy withers and tried to push. Obligingly, I wandered outside but my work was done, and I knew it.
As she raised her hand, the smell overwhelmed her. Making those odd groaning and shrieking noises, she immersed her hand under HotWetz and scrubbed it with a white foamy square of something. Then she removed her fluffy robe and put that in the laundry. Then, as she looked over at me where I sat innocently blinking at her, The Plan was born. I saw it forming behind her wicked eyes. She put the plug into the bottom of the big, square basin and turned on the fountain over top of it.
The fountain ran for fourteen furrevers, long enough to entirely fill the basin! it was an EXTRAORDINARY amount of HotWetz. With a cunning grin, she came over to grab me from where I sheltered under the table, lifted me up by my front end (WHY wasn’t she supporting my back paws?!) and dragged me, spitting and snarling, over to her TOTALLY FULL basin.
Then, she PLUNGED me into it! It was DREADFUL! Utterly dreadful! I froze in shock for a moment and then I began to fight for my life against the dreadful murder attempt that was occurring. How DARE she? How DARE SHE TRY TO MURDER ME?!?!?!
Here, The Human interjects: “Cat, it was one inch of lukewarm water, not even enough to cover your claws.”
But it was PLENTY to GET ME WET! I am a CAT. I do not DO wet!
Human: “You do when you have THAT stuck in the fur of your back paws.”
There was NOTHING stuck to my back paws that I couldn’t handle. And I would have handled it…in time….on her pillow.
Human: “I think the situation was rather more urgent than cat time might have allowed dear heart.”
Don’t you go trying to use pretty words on me now! You and I are no longer friends! You dunked me into miles and miles of HotWetz and I became WETZ. This was unnecessary and unacceptable.
Then you took that lump of hard white foamy stuff and started rubbing it on my paws and tail and bottom! As if there could ever have been a greater indignity than this! Why, even my brother stood looking on in shock and he wasn’t even laughing, which shows how serious and shocking the situation was!
Finally, after another fourteen furrevers, The Human gave up the struggle and let me go. Of course, I ran for my life and sat down right in front of the litter tray to laboriously wash the Wetz out of my fur.
Human: “Yes, indeed you did. That would be the litter tray that is full of the sort of clumping clay litter that turns into solid concrete when the slightest bit of dampness is sprayed onto it. The same litter tray that you repeatedly put your tail into while trying to wash it and then wondered why you weren’t getting anywhere…..”
IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE HUMAN! YOU AND I ARE FINISHED!
Human: “Yes dear, I know. Right up until supper time right?”
You could always give me some dreamies to soothe me out of my stress you know….I mean, I like dreamies.
Human: “I thought we weren’t speaking?”
HARRUMPH!!!!
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A Hug for Curtains
Oh curtains, dear curtains, how I do love thee!
It is a subject of much distress and yes, even grief, that Hoomama now tries valiantly to keep you and I separate. Clearly, the love between us is ever lasting, as you do make the very best toilets in the world. How can I possibly be expected not to love you with an abiding love?
Sometimes, I can do nothing other than just hug you. It is the only way for me to express my affection without the hoomun starting to screech and chase me away from you, the objects of my love.
So curtains, my dear curtains, allow this morning to be just between the two of us and let no one else interfere with our love…
We shall simply sit here and hold one another.
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Skirmishes
Well. I promised my loyal fans a fight and that’s exactly what my brother and I have been giving to Hoomama. We will NOT take this unjust captivity lying down! Well…..we might lie down…for a while….because we ARE cats…but we WILL RISE AGAIN! (After a quick bath). We WILL RESIST!
Just conserving my energy for the next battle…. Anyway, just so far this week, the following additional skirmishes have occurred:
After The Last Battle, I decided to let things calm down for a few hours, just to make sure Hoomama had relaxed, and at least sort of forgiven me, but of course this was only the first sortie of the battle.
Skirmish 1: It was in the middle of The Great Darkness. Hoomama was just a snoring lump in her bed. Of course we had had access to The Abomination all day, but just before she went to bed, Hoomama made the mistake of closing the patio door. The fact that she left the window open, which *would* have allowed us to jump into it, was of course irrelevant.
Quietly, I padded into her bedroom. I carefully picked my spot. This time, it was the corner beside where her clothes box stands and the cold air blowy thing, to make sure that any *slight* smell would be delivered directly to Hoomama’s sleeping nose. As previously, I backed myself up to the wall, lifted my tail and peed all the way down the wall. Then, for good measure, I paddled in the results to make sure they were nicely spread around.
Current Score: Cat 1 : Hoomama Nil
Well. Hoomama may have been snoring but my my! She is capable of waking up quite quickly! Even I was impressed! Of course, she shouted some *very* unflattering things at me that were wholly unjustified, (something about being a vile, disgusting cat? I dunno, I wasn’t really listening,) and then she chased me downstairs.
Reader, I *thought* I had gotten away with it, because what exactly was she going to do with me? I mean it was The Great Darkness and she always insists we stay indoors during The Great Darkness so I knew she had few options, but to compromise her principles.
How could I ever have anticipated just how low she would stoop in her determined efforts to neglect and abuse my wonderful self? I am sorry to say that Hoomama picked me up by the scruff of my neck (how very rude!) then she chucked me outside into The Abomination and she shut and locked both the door and the window so I couldn’t get back in!
Well. I ask you?! Needless to say, I was utterly outraged! Such treatment is wholly unacceptable from a Hoomama who is supposed to be devoted to caring for and meeting my every single need – both those stated and unstated!
Current Score: Cat 1 : Hoomama 1
I howled. Oh how I howled. I howled, I screamed and I screeched. I paddled at the locked door and moaned. I tried to climb the walls of The Abomination to get out of it. I whined and I cried and I yelled. And have I mentioned the worst part? Reader, it was doing BigWetz!!! BigBigWetz from the SkyTap! And Hoomama refused to turn it off! All loyal cats will know that there is no excuse EVER to leave us outside in the BigWetz, such treatment is wholly unacceptable and entirely beyond the pale.
Current Score: Cat 1 : Hoomama 2
Here of course, Hoomama interjects: Cat, you DO know you could have chosen to go into your outdoor cat house right? The one with a tile roof and hay lined hiding holes that would have kept you dry, RIGHT? There was no actual requirement for you to stand in the rain, howling.
Schrodinger sniffs disdainfully. Of course I wasn’t going to go into that, I was MAKING A POINT about the SHEER INJUSTICE of the situation!
Right, ok cat. You do you. But you know, do share a photo of your house with your readers won’t you?
Schrodinger: Humph. Mebbe. You are MISSING THE POINT hoomama!
They do have shelter! Anyway, when she FINALLY let me back in, after ENDLESS HOURS OF LONELY DESOLATION and UTTER STARVIGATION, I was not amused. If it wasn’t war previously, it was definitely war now! I spent the entirety of that day (in between naps of course) plotting my next steps.
Skirmish 2: Eventually, after seventeen furrevers, the next Great Darkness arrived. Hoomama did as she usually does, shut the patio door, left the window open a crack, turned off the lights and went up to her snoring place. I curled up with her for a while, just to butter her up and remind her of how wonderful I am, but would you believe she actually looked at me and called me, “An evil cat”? She even wondered what I was plotting next, but I just looked at her, did gentle squeezy eyes and purred innocently. Well OF COURSE I wasn’t going to actually TELL her what I was planning! I mean, what does she take me for?!
Finally, hoomama relaxed into her sleeps and quiet fell upon the house box. Slowly, I stretched, checked her for proper sleep, jumped off the bed and wandered downstairs. I sniffed around a bit, trying to choose the purrrfect place, and then, a smile spread across my face. Reader, I had found it and it was truly purrrfect. Carefully, I squatted, let loose, then paddled about to ensure it was nicely spread around. Then exhausted, I wandered off to find somewhere to snooze.
Eventually, my brother and I bounced upstairs and onto Hoomama, informing her that she had slept for QUITE long enough, and it was very, most definitely breakfast time. It took a while, but we’re quite skilled at hoomun springboards, so of course she gave in eventually. We ran downstairs ahead of her and waited beside our eternally empty food bowls (no, we don’t need to mention the *other* bowl of biscuits that were behind our empty food bowls, we meant the meat bowls – those are different. It’s a bit like having a vegetable stomach and a desert stomach. Totally different things.)
Yawning, hoomama stumbled downstairs and I counted down….Ten….Nine….Eight…..(quick wash for good measure) Four….Three….Wait for it! Excited, I lashed my tail….Two………..ONE!!!!!
Of course hoomama was in bare feet. Hoomama is ALWAYS in bare feet in the morning. So when she stepped off the final step and into my carefully prepared puddle immediately at the bottom of the stairs, the screeching began. YOU EVIL, VILE, DISGUSTING, HORRIBLE CAT!!!!!!! WHAT THE *&%^£* is THIS?!?!?!?! Hoomama hopped on one foot over to the sink, awkwardly propped her foot into the sink (As an aside, do you know how silly hoomuns look when they do things like this? They’re definitely not the right shape for it) and washed her foot. Then, she turned to me and I carefully put my most innocent look onto my face, “Yes hoomama? Is there something? Now, about that breakfast?” Well my loyal readers, I definitely don’t understand any of those words….
Current Score: Cat 2 : Hoomama 2
Skirmish 3: By this point, Angus was getting quite tired of me having all of the attention, so it became clear that he too was planning a form of protest against the presence of The Abomination. It has to be said though, that my brother takes rather more direct action. After breakfast, he marched upstairs to hoomama’s bedroom, climbed up onto the window sill of the first floor window, jumped again until he was balancing on the edge of the tiny open window….and then he jumped. I mean, even I was impressed. That’s some kind of direct action and around 25 cat heights, so as protests go, it was pretty dramatic. The last I saw of him, his furry backside was disappearing over the garden fence as he went in search of amusement.
That’s it! I’m OFF! Current Score: Cat 3 : Hoomama 2
I was quite surprised hoomama didn’t charge off after him, particularly considering that his antics are the reason we even have The Abomination, but instead, she kept staring at her light box muttering something about “Flat Cats Window Screens.” I don’t know what those are, but I’m sure we’ll find out at some point and then I’ll have something else to complain about!
I am reliably informed that Angus had quite an enjoyable day down in the fields two miles away, because it took him ten hours to bother to come back again. By that point, the next Great Darkness had begun and he had the nerve to be howling outside The Abomination and demanding to be let in! Personally, I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t get back into the house box via the same route he exited it, but I suppose he was tired.
Hoomama, I am ready to come back now. Open The Abomination at once! At this point, I think hoomama was getting *slightly* frustrated with our activities during The Great Darknesses, so she came up with a new plan. Oh it was a dastardly plan. She kept the door and window open all day so we could freely enter either Abomination or House Box. Of course, this meant we totally refused to go outside and stayed inside, fast asleep on the sofa. We do have SOME standards after all!
But, when The Great Darkness arrived, would you believe, hoomama stood outside inside The Abomination and rattled The Box of Little Pieces of Heaven? I mean we will do A LOT for Dreamies so of course we charged outside. Then, after she liberally scattered some pieces around on the ground, she said some odd words, “Nighty night boys!” With an utterly evil grin, she went back inside and CLOSED AND LOCKED THE DOOR!!! Readers, we had been TRICKED! Hoomama had lured us out into The Abomination under false pretences and then LOCKED US OUT THERE!!
Well, of course we howled and yowled and screamed our protests, but it did us absolutely no good whatsoever, hoomama had turned off all of the lights, and gone upstairs to her snoring place. She just left us out there TO STARVE!! And be EATEN BY WILD BEASTS!! It was the most appalling situation we could ever have imagined!
Current Score: Cat 3 : Hoomama 3….4…..5…..
Finally, as the week drew to a close, I had one final trick up my furry sleeve. I spent most of the day cuddled up to hoomama, reminding her of just how much I love her and how wonderful I am, and eventually, she had started to relax. The Great Darkness was approaching, and hoomama was sitting in her lounge watching The Big Light Box. Calmly and quietly, I marched into the room, maintained eye contact, lifted my tail against the wall and……….
“DON’T YOU DARE YOU FILTHY CAT!! GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!!!!”
Hoomama moved *quite* quickly, more quickly than I could have imagined because I didn’t even have time to finish my protest. She chased me into the kitchen, grabbed me and threw me outside into The Abomination. Then she closed and locked the door before returning to her Big Light Box.
Readers, I am most sorry to have to tell you that there was BigWetz from the SkyTap again. Lots of BigWetz. I was very sad…See? I do SadFace.
BigSad Face Current Score: Cat 4 : Hoomama 6
After leaving me outside furrever in BigWetz, hoomama wandered back into the kitchen. Readers, would you believe she looked at my BigSad Face and laughed? I mean, WHERE is the compassion for a SadSad cat?! Where is the LOVE?! Of course, I couldn’t keep it up, I just had to tell her exactly what I thought of HER.
And ANOTHER THING Hoomama! Readers, I’m sorry to say that my plight had absolutely no impact on my dreadful, neglectful, abusive hoomama. She just wandered off and left me there! Outside! In BigBigWetz! She was however humming an old song as she wandered off, do you know it??
“We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning, since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No, we didn’t light it, but we tried to fight itWe didn’t start the fire
It was always burning, since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
But when we are gone
It will still burn on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on…”I have no idea what this could possibly mean!
Schrodinger's Diary 