Schrodinger's Diary

The diary of a cat who may or may not exist

  • Hangcat’s Noose

    Well….Well….WELL!!!  Just when I thought Hoomun couldn’t POSSIBLY sink any lower in her treatment of us, she’s managed it!  She really has!  It is utterly extraordinary and so totally far beyond anything that could be considered acceptable that she’s REALLY gone and done it now.

    Schrodinger is so angry, he’s spitting feathers.  Although, to be fair, the feathers may not be so much an expression of his rage as they are of the sparrow next door who no longer requires them.  There is surely no connection between these two facts and he simply happened upon them in the course of his daily travels….we’ll leave that one there shall we?

    ANYWAY!  He interjects, quivering in rage.  This time, THIS TIME, hoomum put a HANGCAT’S NOOSE around our necks, then she PADLOCKED it!  Not content with such torture, then she made it beep!  And flash lights!  Gentle readers, this is simply not to be born!  No self-respecting cat could POSSIBLY be expected to live with a NOOSE around his NECK!

    Here, as ever, Hoomum calmly interjects.  “Cat, I think you’ll find it’s a collar with an easy snap fastening in case you get stuck anywhere and a GPS tracker attached to it so I can see where you go and who you harass.”

    Harass?!  HARASS?!  I am simply and peacefully passing my days in quiet, self respecting pursuits of catting as any good cat should.  I harass no one!  And where I go is nobody’s business but my own!

    “Hmmmm….except for the birds cat,” Hoomum says, sipping her brown waking up water.  “And the mice. And the butterflies…”

    Schrodinger sniffs in disgust.  Those are different and ENTIRELY within the normal range of catting pursuits.  We are however getting off topic, I am here to write about the NOOSE!  

    “Mmmmm,” Hoomum replies.  “Ok cat, go ahead.  My deepest apologies for the interruption in your outrage.”

    I should THINK SO!  Schrodinger’s tail lashes.  

    So, this THING that has the weight of a THOUSAND SUNS has been PADLOCKED around my neck AND IT’S GOT A BELL ON IT!!!!  I cannot get it off!  I’ve tried, oh I’ve tried.  I snapped and I snarled and I beat it into submission with my murder mittens but, however hard I tried, it would not release its DEATH GRIP.

    “You mean you looked confused, wiped your face, walked backwards and then did a somersault cat?”  Hoomum smiles.  “It really was quite funny, here see – I’ve even got most of it on video. I’ll play it shall I?”

    You DARE!!!  That video should never have been made and even if it was, it is PRIVATE hoomum!!

    “Mmmmhmmm, yes ok cat.  But only because you look faintly ridiculous.”

    I DID NOT LOOK RIDICULOUS, Schrodinger hisses!  I was doing BATTLE with a VALIANT FOE!

    “Mmmhmmm.  Ok cat, if you insist.”

    Hoomum plays the video as the cat stalks off in outrage, trying to figure out how to get rid of his new GPS tracking cat collar…

  • Giving Up Curtains For Lent

    Schrodinger curls up with his feather quill, chews on it a bit as he thinks…then he begins.

    Well my loyal fans, I can confirm that I have very definitely been abandoned. We haven’t seen even a shadow of hoomum for two whole sleeps! We’ve paced around the house, sniffed in all of her favourite spots, but there’s been no sign. Will she ever, ever come back??


    Fortunately, we’ve been comforted in our abandonment by a nice lady who comes to make sure we have food and water and then she sets out a lovely assortment of toys to entertain us. She keeps making odd clicking sounds with her light box, I don’t know why that is but so long as we can play, we’re not bothered by it. Of COURSE hoomama never ever ever provides us with such lovely toys so we have to find our own entertainment, but I digress.


    This morning, after a few clicks on her light box, the nice hoomun did some clicky things with her fingers, then wrinkled her forehead a bit, then a few more clicky things….and then she did the ODDEST thing! Would you believe, she started walking all the way around the house, picking up every single low hanging curtain and sniffing it??? Hoomuns really are strange and I have NO IDEA why she might do such a thing. Well, you can see I was in shock at her strange behaviour.


    The thing is, she kept picking up a curtain, sniffing it and muttering, “Nope, not this one….” Then moving onto the next, “Nope, not this one either….” I mean doesn’t she KNOW that I, Schrodinger, have decided to give up curtains for Lent? I mean it seems only fair, considering I live with one of those plastic neck people, that I should give up SOMETHING for Lent, so I figure curtains is a reasonable sacrifice.

    Who knows if I’ll survive the WHOLE forty days, but we’re on Day 1 so far and it’s going well. I feel the odd twitch *down there* but I am managing to resist thus far.


    Wish me luck fans!

  • Good Books

    Hi all of my fans, Schrodinger here.

    Amazingly enough, I seem to be back in hoomum’s good books. Last night, just before hoomum went to bed, I was pacing around and looking behind furniture, trying to find my next target for a pee (I mean a cat’s gotta do what a cat’s gotta do!)

    Unfortunately, she found and grabbed me so of course I yelled at her in protest, but she shoved me into THE CAGE and even though I was grumpy, I obediently jumped into the litter tray and did my wee there.


    Thankfully, she was very pleased and gave me lots of head scritches while speaking most kindly to me. Unfortunately though, even as I looked at her expectantly, she didn’t let me out of THE CAGE and I then endured the sheer indignity of being left there in the dark FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER.


    Here hoomum interjects: Cat, I think you’ll find it was precisely 8hrs from midnight to 8am…not quite forever…


    Schrodinger: ANYWAY, I was there forever and ever and ever and ever, but with no other options, I did both pees and poos in the litter tray and then sang The Song Of The People to let her know I’d done them. Would you believe she ignored me?!

    When she FINALLY let me out, and outside at that, she said I had been very good and there were more head scritches.


    Maybe I will be able to avoid THE CAGE tonight? What do you think? Is hoomum being entirely unreasonable to put me behind bars forever and ever and ever and ever?

  • ManiPedi Day

    Well! Just when I thought life was improving, Hoomum goes and does it again!

    Schrodinger’s feather quill pen moves furiously across the page. (Readers, we won’t ask where the feather came from, it’s probably best not to know while also being clear that it’s original owner no longer had need of it)


    Three whole days out of captivity, three whole days! I was sure Hoomum had finally come around and realised how unfair she was being…..also she got wise to my tricks and replaced the long curtains with short ones that I couldn’t reach however hard I tried. (Sigh)


    Unfortunately though, this morning I was sweetly begging for cheese and I was much too tired to balance on my own paws so I gently leaned on her leg…..


    “Cat, you did not!” Hoomun interjects. “You sank your murder mittens into the skin of my thigh and hung on, yelling…..”


    Details, details! Schrodinger dismisses her comment and continues. Anyway, she let me finish my cheese, then she scooped me up (for a well deserved cuddle surely…..) and muttered about it being manipedi time. I had no idea what that meant but I was suspicious so I started to squirm with a low growl in my throat.


    Then, would you believe it?! Hoomum grabbed my paws, forced me to show my claws and RIPPED them out!!!


    “I did not you horrible cat! I was very gentle and used special clippers! It didn’t hurt a bit!”


    It hurt my PRIDE! I’ve been sharpening my murder mittens for months now….
    “Don’t I know it.” Hoomun sighs. “As does the furniture.”


    And THEN once she’d RIPPED MY CLAWS OUT….she ABANDONED me!


    “Cat, it’s two nights and you have a cat sitter three times a day plus other friends popping in and out. You’ll be fine.”


    I am NOT fine! I have been ABANDONED!


    “Hmmm that’s why you hissed at the cat sitter is it?”


    Harrumph. I was pointing out that I did not approve of her presence….


    “Yeah until she brought the toys out, right cat?”


    I shall not dignify this with a response.


    Schrodinger flounces off camera and disconnects the video call.

  • ,

    Mouse Pops

    Schrodinger writes in furious distress…

    Dear Diary, Well, I’m sorry to say that hoomama has ONCE AGAIN been wholly unreasonable – though learning of such shocking misdemeanours will clearly not surprise you, my electronic friend. I suspect you are, by now, getting the measure of HER.


    It all began last night. It was a cold and frosty night and knowing I was soon to be unreasonably shoved into The Cage to while away the hours of darkness in lonely miserable isolation….


    Here hoomum interrupts as she always feels she must:


    Hoomum: Cat, lonely isolation? Have we forgotten the night before last when your crate was laced with drugs to help you feel calm and content?


    Schrodinger sniffs disdainfully, That is now a distant memory hoomum and no longer relevant to our current discussion.


    Hoomun: Riiiiight. I’ll just post the photo shall I?


    Schrodinger: You DARE!


    Hoomum laughs and wanders off.


    Schrodinger: Anyway, as I was saying, it was a cold and frosty night and I was being about my business in the neighbours unkempt garden when I saw it – a flash of movement! Something small, wiggly and no doubt delicious! I heard hoomum calling me and rattling the Dreamies box but of course I ignored her. Here, calling my name in little squeaks was freeeessssshhhh mmmeeeeaaaattttt…..my mouth drooled as my tail lashed in excitement.


    I waited.
    I watched.
    I wiggled my bum a bit.
    I waited some more.
    And then…..I POUNCED.
    GOT HIM!!


    I debated ignoring hoomama for a few minutes longer while I inhaled my tasty snack, but no, I decided. It would be lovely to have a warm tasty snack available to me while in captivity.


    I jumped over the adjoining fence with my prize dangling from my mouth. Of course, I fully expected hoomama to be delighted with my feline prowess and to congratulate me on my prize – I mean who wouldn’t be impressed?!


    I was to be disappointed. Clearly hoomama was not able or willing to celebrate my victory with me, nor did she show any intention of allowing me to bring my prize inside with me. I paddled at the doors, tried to mew sweetly around my mouse, but then I dropped it so I had to go grab it again. I put on my best pleading look but hoomama steadfastly ignored me.


    Would you believe the dreadfully appalling things she called me? It was truly shocking. In fact, I stopped listening sometime after I heard, “Disgusting cat….leave the poor things alone!” HOW VERY RUDE!


    Well, then hoomama decided to play hardball. She opened the door and rattled the dreamies box but every time I made for the door, with my mouse lovingly clasped in my mouth, she closed the door again and GAVE DREAMIES TO MY BROTHER!!!! I mean, how DARE she?


    We played this game for a while and eventually, I realised my brother was grinning in sheer joy and mumbling, “Yup, carry on bro! I’m enjoying my dreamies here!”


    I started to swear under my breath, but resentfully, I dropped my mouse on the patio, knowing I could come back for it in the morning, and I darted inside for some dreamies. Hoomama was decent enough to give me some, but of course, she then scooped me up and locked me into torturous captivity, turned off the lights and disappeared upstairs.


    I called after here, “I COULD have eaten my mouse down here you know, you wouldn’t have had to watch considering you’re ABANDONING ME!!!!”


    Hoomum called back vaguely, “Be quiet cat, it’s bedtime.”


    WELL!! I ask you!!!!!


    I lurked in The Cage all night and finally, by 4am, I could stand it no longer so I began to sing. No, actually, I began to howl – I mean let’s just be honest here. I WANTED my MOUSE.


    It took a whole hour before hoomama finally gave in and came down to let me out. She shoved me outside onto the patio and there, to my abject relief, was my mouse. Unfortunately, it was no longer warm and tender, but after sniffing at it, I decided I could cope with a frozen MousePop, it wouldn’t be all bad and would have a satisfying CRUNCH. (Tender listeners, look away now….)


    I prepared myself, washed my paws and prepared to dive in….


    BROTHER THAT’S MY MOUSE!!! GIVE IT BACK AT ONCE!!!


    The cats charge off after each other shrieking in the early morning darkness….