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Ode To Curtains
The scene opens in darkness as Schrodinger is contentedly surveying his work. He sits, quill pen in paw, attempting to compose a poem. Hoomum continues to snore in the background.
“Roses are red, violets are blue, oh my dear curtains, how I have missed you….”
If the quality of his poetry leaves something to be desired, it must be remembered that he IS a cat.
He stretches, nudges his brother and between them, they decide it is breakfast time.“OOOOFFFF!!!”
Indeed, this is the typical way hoomum starts her day as first one, then the other, cat jumps onto her bed and like a guided missile, one aims for her belly while the other aims for her chest.
Of course she pushes them away, but then Angus spots it: is that a mouse under hooomum’s pillow? Well, as an act of purely selfless charity, he must of course dig out the mouse, so he sets to work, back paws braced on hoomum’s neck, front paws scrabbling into the bedding for all he is worth. With a grunt, hoomum pulls him into what is known as “the cuddle brace” – it looks like a cuddle, to the inexperienced, it could feel like a cuddle, but in fact the entire furry body is pinned to her side in a death grip, so it cannot therefore be considered a true cuddle. With a squirm, a scrabble and a POP, Angus dispenses with the cuddle and jumps off the bed.
Here, Schrodinger takes over. His approach is more nominally affectionate, having already been outside – in the rain – he stands in the direct centre of hoomum’s chest, pushes his damp nose into her face and then with a FLUMP, lies down on her face – all four kilos of soaking wet fur of him.
With a *few* expletives, hoomum finally agrees to get out of bed. Sleepily, she stumbles in the direction of the bathroom as Schrodinger waits patiently, watching her.
She stops.
She sniffs.
She has smelled it.
And Schrodinger smiles.
“CAAAAAATTTTTT!!!!! You BLOODY MENACE!!!!!“
Schrodinger looks at her quite reasonably, “but hoomum, Lent is over! You can’t possible have expected me to maintain such a strict discipline once the new liturgical season of the church year has arrived? Surely not!”
Spitting with anger she replies, “Forty days abstinence should have been MORE than enough to break this disgusting habit cat!”
“Oh no hoomum! Forty days was only enough to remind me of how much I MISSED curtains. They are my favourite you see. Besides, you hooomuns who give up chocolate or alcohol or other things in Lent, don’t permanently give them up do you? You didn’t HONESTLY think I had permanently given up curtains did you? Really?”
The cat blinks in innocent astonishment as hoomum starts to remove the curtains from their curtain pole.
Besides, Schrodinger continues, “You DARED to invite a second hoomun into MY house and allowed her to stay in my FAVOURITE bedroom. You can’t possible have thought I would allow you to get away with that, did you?”
“Are you kidding me cat? Debbie regularly offered you obeisance and adoration. She stroked you every time you jumped up on the sofa – even when you repeatedly put your furry bum in her face – she talked to you, reminded me that you are indeed superior in the household and fully in charge. What more could you possibly have wanted of a houseguest?!”
“Well duh.” Schrodinger replies. “For there not to be a houseguest of course. It’s MY house. Besides, you didn’t ask my permission first.”
By this point, hoomum is spluttering with barely contained rage. Schrodinger is of course entirely unruffled (which is saying something with his quantity of fur).
“By the way hoomum, it’s breakfast time.”
“Breakfast? BREAKFAST?! You’ve got to be kidding cat! You’ll be lucky to be on bread and water rations for a week!”
Schrodinger is quite calm in his reply, “And is such an ungenerous and cruel act truly in the spirit of your priestly calling hoomum? Really? You must ask yourself, ‘What would Jesus do?’”
With a flick of his glorious tail, Schrodinger jumps up and out of the window but, in a parting shot, his amused voice echoes back from the roof:
“Oh, hoomum? You might want to check the kitchen curtains too. After all, confession is good for the soul.”
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Hangcat’s Noose
Well….Well….WELL!!! Just when I thought Hoomun couldn’t POSSIBLY sink any lower in her treatment of us, she’s managed it! She really has! It is utterly extraordinary and so totally far beyond anything that could be considered acceptable that she’s REALLY gone and done it now.
Schrodinger is so angry, he’s spitting feathers. Although, to be fair, the feathers may not be so much an expression of his rage as they are of the sparrow next door who no longer requires them. There is surely no connection between these two facts and he simply happened upon them in the course of his daily travels….we’ll leave that one there shall we?
ANYWAY! He interjects, quivering in rage. This time, THIS TIME, hoomum put a HANGCAT’S NOOSE around our necks, then she PADLOCKED it! Not content with such torture, then she made it beep! And flash lights! Gentle readers, this is simply not to be born! No self-respecting cat could POSSIBLY be expected to live with a NOOSE around his NECK!
Here, as ever, Hoomum calmly interjects. “Cat, I think you’ll find it’s a collar with an easy snap fastening in case you get stuck anywhere and a GPS tracker attached to it so I can see where you go and who you harass.”
Harass?! HARASS?! I am simply and peacefully passing my days in quiet, self respecting pursuits of catting as any good cat should. I harass no one! And where I go is nobody’s business but my own!
“Hmmmm….except for the birds cat,” Hoomum says, sipping her brown waking up water. “And the mice. And the butterflies…”
Schrodinger sniffs in disgust. Those are different and ENTIRELY within the normal range of catting pursuits. We are however getting off topic, I am here to write about the NOOSE!
“Mmmmm,” Hoomum replies. “Ok cat, go ahead. My deepest apologies for the interruption in your outrage.”
I should THINK SO! Schrodinger’s tail lashes.
So, this THING that has the weight of a THOUSAND SUNS has been PADLOCKED around my neck AND IT’S GOT A BELL ON IT!!!! I cannot get it off! I’ve tried, oh I’ve tried. I snapped and I snarled and I beat it into submission with my murder mittens but, however hard I tried, it would not release its DEATH GRIP.
“You mean you looked confused, wiped your face, walked backwards and then did a somersault cat?” Hoomum smiles. “It really was quite funny, here see – I’ve even got most of it on video. I’ll play it shall I?”
You DARE!!! That video should never have been made and even if it was, it is PRIVATE hoomum!!
“Mmmmhmmm, yes ok cat. But only because you look faintly ridiculous.”
I DID NOT LOOK RIDICULOUS, Schrodinger hisses! I was doing BATTLE with a VALIANT FOE!
“Mmmhmmm. Ok cat, if you insist.”
Hoomum plays the video as the cat stalks off in outrage, trying to figure out how to get rid of his new GPS tracking cat collar…
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Giving Up Curtains For Lent
Schrodinger curls up with his feather quill, chews on it a bit as he thinks…then he begins.
Well my loyal fans, I can confirm that I have very definitely been abandoned. We haven’t seen even a shadow of hoomum for two whole sleeps! We’ve paced around the house, sniffed in all of her favourite spots, but there’s been no sign. Will she ever, ever come back??
Fortunately, we’ve been comforted in our abandonment by a nice lady who comes to make sure we have food and water and then she sets out a lovely assortment of toys to entertain us. She keeps making odd clicking sounds with her light box, I don’t know why that is but so long as we can play, we’re not bothered by it. Of COURSE hoomama never ever ever provides us with such lovely toys so we have to find our own entertainment, but I digress.
This morning, after a few clicks on her light box, the nice hoomun did some clicky things with her fingers, then wrinkled her forehead a bit, then a few more clicky things….and then she did the ODDEST thing! Would you believe, she started walking all the way around the house, picking up every single low hanging curtain and sniffing it??? Hoomuns really are strange and I have NO IDEA why she might do such a thing. Well, you can see I was in shock at her strange behaviour.
The thing is, she kept picking up a curtain, sniffing it and muttering, “Nope, not this one….” Then moving onto the next, “Nope, not this one either….” I mean doesn’t she KNOW that I, Schrodinger, have decided to give up curtains for Lent? I mean it seems only fair, considering I live with one of those plastic neck people, that I should give up SOMETHING for Lent, so I figure curtains is a reasonable sacrifice.Who knows if I’ll survive the WHOLE forty days, but we’re on Day 1 so far and it’s going well. I feel the odd twitch *down there* but I am managing to resist thus far.
Wish me luck fans!
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Good Books
Hi all of my fans, Schrodinger here.
Amazingly enough, I seem to be back in hoomum’s good books. Last night, just before hoomum went to bed, I was pacing around and looking behind furniture, trying to find my next target for a pee (I mean a cat’s gotta do what a cat’s gotta do!)
Unfortunately, she found and grabbed me so of course I yelled at her in protest, but she shoved me into THE CAGE and even though I was grumpy, I obediently jumped into the litter tray and did my wee there.
Thankfully, she was very pleased and gave me lots of head scritches while speaking most kindly to me. Unfortunately though, even as I looked at her expectantly, she didn’t let me out of THE CAGE and I then endured the sheer indignity of being left there in the dark FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER.
Here hoomum interjects: Cat, I think you’ll find it was precisely 8hrs from midnight to 8am…not quite forever…
Schrodinger: ANYWAY, I was there forever and ever and ever and ever, but with no other options, I did both pees and poos in the litter tray and then sang The Song Of The People to let her know I’d done them. Would you believe she ignored me?!When she FINALLY let me out, and outside at that, she said I had been very good and there were more head scritches.
Maybe I will be able to avoid THE CAGE tonight? What do you think? Is hoomum being entirely unreasonable to put me behind bars forever and ever and ever and ever?
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ManiPedi Day
Well! Just when I thought life was improving, Hoomum goes and does it again!
Schrodinger’s feather quill pen moves furiously across the page. (Readers, we won’t ask where the feather came from, it’s probably best not to know while also being clear that it’s original owner no longer had need of it)
Three whole days out of captivity, three whole days! I was sure Hoomum had finally come around and realised how unfair she was being…..also she got wise to my tricks and replaced the long curtains with short ones that I couldn’t reach however hard I tried. (Sigh)
Unfortunately though, this morning I was sweetly begging for cheese and I was much too tired to balance on my own paws so I gently leaned on her leg…..
“Cat, you did not!” Hoomun interjects. “You sank your murder mittens into the skin of my thigh and hung on, yelling…..”
Details, details! Schrodinger dismisses her comment and continues. Anyway, she let me finish my cheese, then she scooped me up (for a well deserved cuddle surely…..) and muttered about it being manipedi time. I had no idea what that meant but I was suspicious so I started to squirm with a low growl in my throat.
Then, would you believe it?! Hoomum grabbed my paws, forced me to show my claws and RIPPED them out!!!
“I did not you horrible cat! I was very gentle and used special clippers! It didn’t hurt a bit!”
It hurt my PRIDE! I’ve been sharpening my murder mittens for months now….
“Don’t I know it.” Hoomun sighs. “As does the furniture.”
And THEN once she’d RIPPED MY CLAWS OUT….she ABANDONED me!
“Cat, it’s two nights and you have a cat sitter three times a day plus other friends popping in and out. You’ll be fine.”
I am NOT fine! I have been ABANDONED!
“Hmmm that’s why you hissed at the cat sitter is it?”
Harrumph. I was pointing out that I did not approve of her presence….
“Yeah until she brought the toys out, right cat?”
I shall not dignify this with a response.
Schrodinger flounces off camera and disconnects the video call.
Schrodinger's Diary 