Oh deepest of deep joys! Without warning, it became clear that today was my FAVOURITE sports day! Quite unexpectedly, today was Drown A Barkie Day. As ever, I have no idea why hoomama likes drowning her Barkie on a regular basis, but I’m sure it’s just because he’s Stinky.

Here, hoomama interjects:  “Yes, cat, that’s right, today the Barkie WAS stinky.  And do you know what he stunk of?”

The cat blinks innocently and replies, “No Hoo, I have no idea what your Barkie stunk of, other than his inferior genes of course.”

Hoomama glares at the cat and says, “He stank of YOU cat. Or more particularly, he and his bed, stunk of one particular part of you. Would you like to know which part of you he stunk of?”

“Oh hoomama, I couldn’t possibly guess!  Was it my soft fur by chance? I have been doing my very best to integrate your Barkie into my house with my gentle, welcoming purrs.”  The cat self consciously licks his paw and wipes his ear with it.

“No, cat. It was not your sweetly scented fur, or the purrs that I have not been able to hear over your alleycat language. The Barkie, and his bed, stank of one of your Odes. Only this time, it appears it was not an Ode To Curtains, but an Ode To Barkie.” Here, hoomama gives cat the evil eye.  “So this leaves me needing to ask, WHY cat are you composing Ode’s To Barkies?!  Were the curtains not enough for your attention?”

“Well hoomama, he didn’t HAVE to sit still during my Ode. I mean if he had any self respect at all, he would have moved when I visited his bed….and him.  But clearly it’s his fault for not objecting to the composition of my Ode. You see?” The cat stares at Hoo in fixed and purest innocence.

“Riiiight Cat. So what you’re trying to tell me is that it is somehow the Dog’s fault that you peed on him, because he could have chosen to move? Is that where you’re going with this one?”

“Duh.” The cat moves on to groom his fluffy feather of a tail.

“So the fact that your favourite sport was unexpectedly on show, and the Barkie got drowned, for his own sake and for the sake of what he would spread onto every soft furnishing in my house, was HIS fault?”

“Well, technically it’s yours as well because you shouldn’t let him him have access to all those soft things. If you would just keep reasonable boundaries with the Barkie then it would be ok wouldn’t it? Because the aroma would be contained.” Here, the cat curls himself into a comfortable ball on his scratching post bed, preparing to be finished with this conversation.

“Hoomama, why are you holding your head in your hands? I mean, Stinkie Barkie no longer stinks of anything other than himself, so clearly you fixed the problem. And I got to enjoy my favourite sport so it’s a winwin situation!”

Yes, Cat, that’s definitely how I would interpret this one. Win Win.  

Poor Barkie….