Well, I am SPITTING feathers, hissing in rage, you’ll never BELIEVE what The Human (she no longer qualifies to be referred to as Hoomama after this!) has done this time! It is UTTERLY beyond the pale! This morning, she tried to DROWN me!

Schrodinger takes a moment to compose himself, and gives his still damp tail a few more licks, before continuing.

I was there minding my own business, when I heard the patio door open. I thought Hoomama (as I then referred to her) was inviting me to have a moment outside to enjoy the fresh morning air and chatter at the birds. So, of course, I wandered over to the door where I sat down to sniff the doorstep. Well, of course I wasn’t going to rush outside, I mean – I AM a cat. Doorsteps must be thoroughly sniffed and examined before a decision to either enter or exit is made, and today was no exception.

She tried to hurry me along with words, but of course, I ignored her. She muttered something about it being cold out there, but that doesn’t bother me as I have a long fluffy coat so what other consideration could there be? She was the one standing there with the door open. Eventually, as I continued to deliberate, she made The Mistake. Bending down, she put her hand on my fluffy withers and tried to push. Obligingly, I wandered outside but my work was done, and I knew it.

As she raised her hand, the smell overwhelmed her. Making those odd groaning and shrieking noises, she immersed her hand under HotWetz and scrubbed it with a white foamy square of something. Then she removed her fluffy robe and put that in the laundry. Then, as she looked over at me where I sat innocently blinking at her, The Plan was born. I saw it forming behind her wicked eyes. She put the plug into the bottom of the big, square basin and turned on the fountain over top of it.

The fountain ran for fourteen furrevers, long enough to entirely fill the basin! it was an EXTRAORDINARY amount of HotWetz. With a cunning grin, she came over to grab me from where I sheltered under the table, lifted me up by my front end (WHY wasn’t she supporting my back paws?!) and dragged me, spitting and snarling, over to her TOTALLY FULL basin.

Then, she PLUNGED me into it! It was DREADFUL! Utterly dreadful! I froze in shock for a moment and then I began to fight for my life against the dreadful murder attempt that was occurring. How DARE she? How DARE SHE TRY TO MURDER ME?!?!?!

Here, The Human interjects: “Cat, it was one inch of lukewarm water, not even enough to cover your claws.”

But it was PLENTY to GET ME WET! I am a CAT. I do not DO wet!

Human: “You do when you have THAT stuck in the fur of your back paws.”

There was NOTHING stuck to my back paws that I couldn’t handle. And I would have handled it…in time….on her pillow.

Human: “I think the situation was rather more urgent than cat time might have allowed dear heart.”

Don’t you go trying to use pretty words on me now! You and I are no longer friends! You dunked me into miles and miles of HotWetz and I became WETZ. This was unnecessary and unacceptable.

Then you took that lump of hard white foamy stuff and started rubbing it on my paws and tail and bottom! As if there could ever have been a greater indignity than this! Why, even my brother stood looking on in shock and he wasn’t even laughing, which shows how serious and shocking the situation was!

Finally, after another fourteen furrevers, The Human gave up the struggle and let me go. Of course, I ran for my life and sat down right in front of the litter tray to laboriously wash the Wetz out of my fur.

Human: “Yes, indeed you did. That would be the litter tray that is full of the sort of clumping clay litter that turns into solid concrete when the slightest bit of dampness is sprayed onto it. The same litter tray that you repeatedly put your tail into while trying to wash it and then wondered why you weren’t getting anywhere…..”

IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE HUMAN! YOU AND I ARE FINISHED!

Human: “Yes dear, I know. Right up until supper time right?”

You could always give me some dreamies to soothe me out of my stress you know….I mean, I like dreamies.

Human: “I thought we weren’t speaking?”

HARRUMPH!!!!