Well. I promised my loyal fans a fight and that’s exactly what my brother and I have been giving to Hoomama. We will NOT take this unjust captivity lying down! Well…..we might lie down…for a while….because we ARE cats…but we WILL RISE AGAIN! (After a quick bath). We WILL RESIST!

Anyway, just so far this week, the following additional skirmishes have occurred:

After The Last Battle, I decided to let things calm down for a few hours, just to make sure Hoomama had relaxed, and at least sort of forgiven me, but of course this was only the first sortie of the battle.

Skirmish 1: It was in the middle of The Great Darkness. Hoomama was just a snoring lump in her bed. Of course we had had access to The Abomination all day, but just before she went to bed, Hoomama made the mistake of closing the patio door. The fact that she left the window open, which *would* have allowed us to jump into it, was of course irrelevant.

Quietly, I padded into her bedroom. I carefully picked my spot. This time, it was the corner beside where her clothes box stands and the cold air blowy thing, to make sure that any *slight* smell would be delivered directly to Hoomama’s sleeping nose. As previously, I backed myself up to the wall, lifted my tail and peed all the way down the wall. Then, for good measure, I paddled in the results to make sure they were nicely spread around.

Current Score: Cat 1 : Hoomama Nil

Well. Hoomama may have been snoring but my my! She is capable of waking up quite quickly! Even I was impressed! Of course, she shouted some *very* unflattering things at me that were wholly unjustified, (something about being a vile, disgusting cat? I dunno, I wasn’t really listening,) and then she chased me downstairs.

Reader, I *thought* I had gotten away with it, because what exactly was she going to do with me? I mean it was The Great Darkness and she always insists we stay indoors during The Great Darkness so I knew she had few options, but to compromise her principles.

How could I ever have anticipated just how low she would stoop in her determined efforts to neglect and abuse my wonderful self? I am sorry to say that Hoomama picked me up by the scruff of my neck (how very rude!) then she chucked me outside into The Abomination and she shut and locked both the door and the window so I couldn’t get back in!

Well. I ask you?! Needless to say, I was utterly outraged! Such treatment is wholly unacceptable from a Hoomama who is supposed to be devoted to caring for and meeting my every single need – both those stated and unstated!

Current Score: Cat 1 : Hoomama 1

I howled. Oh how I howled. I howled, I screamed and I screeched. I paddled at the locked door and moaned. I tried to climb the walls of The Abomination to get out of it. I whined and I cried and I yelled. And have I mentioned the worst part? Reader, it was doing BigWetz!!! BigBigWetz from the SkyTap! And Hoomama refused to turn it off! All loyal cats will know that there is no excuse EVER to leave us outside in the BigWetz, such treatment is wholly unacceptable and entirely beyond the pale.

Current Score: Cat 1 : Hoomama 2

Here of course, Hoomama interjects: Cat, you DO know you could have chosen to go into your outdoor cat house right? The one with a tile roof and hay lined hiding holes that would have kept you dry, RIGHT? There was no actual requirement for you to stand in the rain, howling.

Schrodinger sniffs disdainfully. Of course I wasn’t going to go into that, I was MAKING A POINT about the SHEER INJUSTICE of the situation!

Right, ok cat. You do you. But you know, do share a photo of your house with your readers won’t you?

Schrodinger: Humph. Mebbe. You are MISSING THE POINT hoomama!

Anyway, when she FINALLY let me back in, after ENDLESS HOURS OF LONELY DESOLATION and UTTER STARVIGATION, I was not amused. If it wasn’t war previously, it was definitely war now! I spent the entirety of that day (in between naps of course) plotting my next steps.

Skirmish 2: Eventually, after seventeen furrevers, the next Great Darkness arrived. Hoomama did as she usually does, shut the patio door, left the window open a crack, turned off the lights and went up to her snoring place. I curled up with her for a while, just to butter her up and remind her of how wonderful I am, but would you believe she actually looked at me and called me, “An evil cat”? She even wondered what I was plotting next, but I just looked at her, did gentle squeezy eyes and purred innocently. Well OF COURSE I wasn’t going to actually TELL her what I was planning! I mean, what does she take me for?!

Finally, hoomama relaxed into her sleeps and quiet fell upon the house box. Slowly, I stretched, checked her for proper sleep, jumped off the bed and wandered downstairs. I sniffed around a bit, trying to choose the purrrfect place, and then, a smile spread across my face. Reader, I had found it and it was truly purrrfect. Carefully, I squatted, let loose, then paddled about to ensure it was nicely spread around. Then exhausted, I wandered off to find somewhere to snooze.

Eventually, my brother and I bounced upstairs and onto Hoomama, informing her that she had slept for QUITE long enough, and it was very, most definitely breakfast time. It took a while, but we’re quite skilled at hoomun springboards, so of course she gave in eventually. We ran downstairs ahead of her and waited beside our eternally empty food bowls (no, we don’t need to mention the *other* bowl of biscuits that were behind our empty food bowls, we meant the meat bowls – those are different. It’s a bit like having a vegetable stomach and a desert stomach. Totally different things.)

Yawning, hoomama stumbled downstairs and I counted down….Ten….Nine….Eight…..(quick wash for good measure) Four….Three….Wait for it! Excited, I lashed my tail….Two………..ONE!!!!!

Of course hoomama was in bare feet. Hoomama is ALWAYS in bare feet in the morning. So when she stepped off the final step and into my carefully prepared puddle immediately at the bottom of the stairs, the screeching began. YOU EVIL, VILE, DISGUSTING, HORRIBLE CAT!!!!!!! WHAT THE *&%^£* is THIS?!?!?!?! Hoomama hopped on one foot over to the sink, awkwardly propped her foot into the sink (As an aside, do you know how silly hoomuns look when they do things like this? They’re definitely not the right shape for it) and washed her foot. Then, she turned to me and I carefully put my most innocent look onto my face, “Yes hoomama? Is there something? Now, about that breakfast?” Well my loyal readers, I definitely don’t understand any of those words….

Current Score: Cat 2 : Hoomama 2

Skirmish 3: By this point, Angus was getting quite tired of me having all of the attention, so it became clear that he too was planning a form of protest against the presence of The Abomination. It has to be said though, that my brother takes rather more direct action. After breakfast, he marched upstairs to hoomama’s bedroom, climbed up onto the window sill of the first floor window, jumped again until he was balancing on the edge of the tiny open window….and then he jumped. I mean, even I was impressed. That’s some kind of direct action and around 25 cat heights, so as protests go, it was pretty dramatic. The last I saw of him, his furry backside was disappearing over the garden fence as he went in search of amusement.

Current Score: Cat 3 : Hoomama 2

I was quite surprised hoomama didn’t charge off after him, particularly considering that his antics are the reason we even have The Abomination, but instead, she kept staring at her light box muttering something about “Flat Cats Window Screens.” I don’t know what those are, but I’m sure we’ll find out at some point and then I’ll have something else to complain about!

I am reliably informed that Angus had quite an enjoyable day down in the fields two miles away, because it took him ten hours to bother to come back again. By that point, the next Great Darkness had begun and he had the nerve to be howling outside The Abomination and demanding to be let in! Personally, I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t get back into the house box via the same route he exited it, but I suppose he was tired.

At this point, I think hoomama was getting *slightly* frustrated with our activities during The Great Darknesses, so she came up with a new plan. Oh it was a dastardly plan. She kept the door and window open all day so we could freely enter either Abomination or House Box. Of course, this meant we totally refused to go outside and stayed inside, fast asleep on the sofa. We do have SOME standards after all!

But, when The Great Darkness arrived, would you believe, hoomama stood outside inside The Abomination and rattled The Box of Little Pieces of Heaven? I mean we will do A LOT for Dreamies so of course we charged outside. Then, after she liberally scattered some pieces around on the ground, she said some odd words, “Nighty night boys!” With an utterly evil grin, she went back inside and CLOSED AND LOCKED THE DOOR!!! Readers, we had been TRICKED! Hoomama had lured us out into The Abomination under false pretences and then LOCKED US OUT THERE!!

Well, of course we howled and yowled and screamed our protests, but it did us absolutely no good whatsoever, hoomama had turned off all of the lights, and gone upstairs to her snoring place. She just left us out there TO STARVE!! And be EATEN BY WILD BEASTS!! It was the most appalling situation we could ever have imagined!

Current Score: Cat 3 : Hoomama 3….4…..5…..

Finally, as the week drew to a close, I had one final trick up my furry sleeve. I spent most of the day cuddled up to hoomama, reminding her of just how much I love her and how wonderful I am, and eventually, she had started to relax. The Great Darkness was approaching, and hoomama was sitting in her lounge watching The Big Light Box. Calmly and quietly, I marched into the room, maintained eye contact, lifted my tail against the wall and……….

“DON’T YOU DARE YOU FILTHY CAT!! GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!!!!”

Hoomama moved *quite* quickly, more quickly than I could have imagined because I didn’t even have time to finish my protest. She chased me into the kitchen, grabbed me and threw me outside into The Abomination. Then she closed and locked the door before returning to her Big Light Box.

Readers, I am most sorry to have to tell you that there was BigWetz from the SkyTap again. Lots of BigWetz. I was very sad…See? I do SadFace.

Current Score: Cat 4 : Hoomama 6

After leaving me outside furrever in BigWetz, hoomama wandered back into the kitchen. Readers, would you believe she looked at my BigSad Face and laughed? I mean, WHERE is the compassion for a SadSad cat?! Where is the LOVE?! Of course, I couldn’t keep it up, I just had to tell her exactly what I thought of HER.

Readers, I’m sorry to say that my plight had absolutely no impact on my dreadful, neglectful, abusive hoomama. She just wandered off and left me there! Outside! In BigBigWetz! She was however humming an old song as she wandered off, do you know it??

“We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning, since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No, we didn’t light it, but we tried to fight it

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning, since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
But when we are gone
It will still burn on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on…”

I have no idea what this could possibly mean!