As my loyal followers will know, I am not a cat who gives up lightly and I am not about to take this indignity without protest.

Sadly, as of writing, the Catio-abomination remains in my garden and only one person has replied to my advert for a new hoomama. She arrived bearing a packet of catnip flavoured Dreamies so it has to be said that she was a strong candidate.

Apparently she had considered bringing flowers to my recovering-from-surgery-current-hoomama, but thankfully she reconsidered and brought us Dreamies instead – I mean that’s a good hoomun. Clearly she knows where her priorities should lie.

However, while she toured The Abomination (as it shall henceforth be known) she did not succeed in making hoomama take it down, so for that reason, her application remains pending. I might allow her to return for a second interview though – if she brings more Dreamies.

Of course, as the two hoomuns spoke together, hoomama insisted that The Abomination gives us full and free access to the outdoors. Clearly she is utterly delusional about this concept as there is nothing “full” or “free” about a cage, even a large cage. So I remain firmly on the side of its removal. Allegedly at some point soon, she’s installing a tree??? I fail to understand this concept. There are plenty of trees outside of our captivity, just let us go climb one of them! Watch this space for updates.

Anyway, after a fair amount of howling, pacing back and forth, digging at the perimeter and generally shooting filthy looks at hoomama, I decided it was time to up the stakes of my protest. At first I looked for available curtains, but sadly hoomama has gotten a bit more clever with those than she used to be – all of them are either tied up in big knots or hooked over their railings so they don’t reach the floor. I have tried but while I’m quite capable of climbing, I just can’t manage to climb AND pee at the same time. So for now, curtains are out.

However….all was not lost as a plan occurred to me.

On Tuesday night, hoomama was all tucked up in her bed, peacefully snoring. I silently crept into her room, took up a suitable position within two feet of her nose, lifted my tail and noisily peed on her closet. Then, for good measure and to make sure she had heard me, I paddled in my pee to ensure it was well spread around the floor.

I think we can safely say hoomama heard me – from the screech that emitted from the general area of the bed and the hoomama charging after me, she heard me.

(Cat 1 : Hoomama nil.)

Sadly, hoomama was cleverer than I thought or suspected and to my utter indignation and horror, she grabbed me by the scruff of my neck (how very rude!) chucked me outside into The Abomination and then closed and locked the door!

Well! I ask you….! The utter indignity of such a situation! Of course I expressed my displeasure….loudly and at length. Sadly, hoomama then shut all of her windows and even went so far as to turn on her noisynoisy cold air blower to drown me out! Then she went back to sleep and left me out there all alone! I was appalled I tell you, appalled!

(Cat 1 : Hoomama 1.)

Finally, after hours, days and years of utter desolation, in which I cried myself to sleep through sheer loneliness, hoomama deigned to awake. Angus reliably informs me that she cocked her head, listened, then opened her window blinds and laughed! What was the reason for such frivolity? Hoomama discovered it had rained in the night. Quite hard. At that point, because The Abomination was new, she hadn’t yet purchased any particular shelters for it so I had been FORCED to sit outside in the thundering deluge with absolutely no shelter at all! I was SOAKED to the skin! It’s worthy of a phone call to the RSPCA I tell you! Shocking levels of neglect! If only I had opposable thumbs…

Here, of course, Hoomama interrupts: No shelter at all cat? You mean other than the scratching post tunnel that has two hiding holes in it where you could curl up entirely sheltered from the rain, or the fact that you could sit underneath the hammock swing containing a large solid cushion that would have kept the rain off you? Or, at the risk of contradicting your version of the story, the fact that you were entirely dry when I opened the door?

Schrodinger sniffs disdainfully. Details details! Stop trying to defend yourself from the indefensible hoomama! I will not allow truth to get in the way of a good story!

(Cat 1 : Hoomama 2.)

It was now Day 3 and The Abomination still stood. I knew more direct action was required to up the stakes of this particular game.

So, in full daylight, I sauntered up to hoomama’s bedroom and found her sitting on the edge of her bed. With clear and unblinking eye contact, I walked over to where I was in her full eyeline and positioned myself against her metal hot wall. I lifted my tail, wiggled for a moment, then peed all the way down it, leaving a nice puddle of complaint on her bedroom floor.

Well, of course she ROARED at me, and chased me downstairs but I just laughed at her. That’ll teach you hoomama, I am NOT taking this lying down!

(Cat 2 : Hoomama 2.)

But here, I discovered something new and strange occurring in The Abomination. One of hoomama’s friends was outside building something. I crept out for a closer look and discovered it was something called “an outdoor cat house”. By the time he had finished putting it all together, hoomama decided to tie a number of feather and fishing line toys to the side of it, put some straw into the hidey holes and even sprinkled catnip inside.

For that reason, I thought it would only be polite to explore it for a while but make no mistake, the first skirmishes in this war may have been exchanged but the battles are definitely not over! I shall prevail! The Abomination WILL come down!